ho-o-o-o-oly crap!

So, I'm here. I'm speaking German. I have an apartment and I cook meals for myself. I went to the Metzgerei (kinda like a butcher, but with lots more gellatinous options) by myself today and I bought some kind of animal product (yep, not sure what it was) that I ate and it has not yet made me sick. I have discovered I can buy bread and vegetables--in German--and even though it quickly becomes evident that I'm an Ausländer, I get what I need. I am starting to encounter Mansfelder (the God-awful dialect of German that's spoken here) without getting completely confused. I registered with the city and got a checking account today, too. Gah, crazy stuff. Anyway, I'm kinda tired and I still have stuff to do tonight. I'll post again when I can. Meanwhile, if you want to get in touch with me, you can email me and I'll send you my snail mail address.

departure #1

John left yesterday. John, one of my best friends and the first of my close friends to go home for break, left without saying goodbye. I didn't really feel like I was leaving until I realized he's back home, that I didn't get that last hug I'd been banking on. This morning, Mitch, who lives across the hall, and Morgan, my roommate, left. Later today Brez and Matt and Stu will go, and Shawn tomorrow. Emily and Kelly are here until Monday, but Emily's already packed everything, and my parents come on Sunday, so I doubt I'll see the two of them much after today. Panic.

I have a paper due at 3 pm. I've been procrastinating more than usual. I can't decide if it's because I know this particular professor is more flexible than some others, or because I know this is the last thing I have to do. Even the verb "have to" is relative--I don't need to pass this class in order to graduate. Mostly, it's loyalty to Dr. Madden that's keeping me even minimally motivated.

Tomorrow I'm giving a presentation on my trip to Tanzania at Second Hour of Quaker Meeting. I still have to prepare for that, as well. I'm worried about going over there for the last time ever. More than anywhere but Preston, Meeting has been my home. Those people have been so supportive and loving... how do I say thank you for that?

I thought this post would be cathartic, but it's really just making me more nervous. I'll write later, when I don't have a paper deadline breathing down my neck.

the start of my final finals

Well, it's that time, I suppose. I turned in my final project for my anthro class this morning, tomorrow is my film exam, Wednesday I turn in my writing portfolio, Thursday is linguistics, and Saturday a term paper for Irish lit... That all sounds hectic when it's written in one sentence like that, but I'm not stressed at all. I feel really, creepily calm about it, actually.

I started packing last night--mostly the unnecessary things I shouldn't have even brought down here, but packing all the same. I have my cap and gown and dinner reservations for Monday night. Things are coming to a close. I don't really know what to say other than that.

Seriously?

I keep wondering if this is really happening.

I graduate in 18 days--which is now closer to two weeks than three--and in just over one month I am getting on a plane and flying to another country and staying there for some time. I'll have a job and no homework. I'll have an apartment and no roommate. I'll be 22. There will be snow on the ground and I'll be much more than an hour and a half from an ocean. I will primarily be speaking a language that my parents don't understand more than five words of. I will pay for things in Euros (and I will want to cry when I think about how many dollars each one is worth). When I walk out of my room in the morning there won't be these people around me that have been there for the last two/four/seven/twenty years. I'll have to find a new coffee shop to hang out in--if there even is a coffee shop to hang out in. Will I sit in a bar instead? In a church? In a museum?

On the one hand I'm grateful to be able to leave all the things I've been bitching about for as long as I can remember--can we talk about the fact that it's almost December and I can still wear short sleeves outside?--I'm glad the break will be complete. I won't have to walk that line between being a graduate and still wishing I could go to college parties or worrying about bumping into people in five points who will ask "Wait, I thought you graduated?" I've been watching my friends who finished last spring (and those who should've finished years ago but still haven't) sit around, unable to get real jobs with their liberal arts Bachelor degrees and I'm glad I don't have to do that, to walk into a temp agency just to pay the rent. But they're all still here, in Columbia, together, trying to make it work and to figure out what it means that there's no more papers or tests or projects to do. Will I have to do that on my own? When I call home on Wednesday nights at 10 pm, will my Preston friends be too busy eating cereal to answer? Will they understand that I know exactly what time it is and yeah, that's why I called from my quiet apartment where I can't eat Lucky Charms because Germans believe in healthy breakfasts? Will they think about me over spring break in their flip flops and sun dresses and laugh because they know I'm still wearing my parka?

This post feels self-indulgent and I'm sorry. I think I thought it was some kind of game until now. That I would wake up one morning and we would all look at each other and go "PSYCH!" and laugh because, no, of course I'm not leaving, we'll be together forever... The truth is, all I've ever been is a student. All I've ever known is eating dinner with the same people every night, ordering the same coffee every day, climbing to the third floor of the same building for the last three years. I'm worried I won't be able to forget all those things I wish I could be doing. Maybe I'm more worried someone else will too easily forget that I did those things with them.

germany?

I'm sorry to be away so long. I feel like very little is happening in way of my plans, and so I'm rarely reminded of anything to write about.

Of course, it's not entirely true that nothing is happening. I'm doing well this semester and am fully confident that I will in fact graduate from USC on December 17th (which, by the way, is also my birthday). Everything seems to be in order for my move to Eisleben. I'm in the process of getting a plane ticket, housing is set up, and I get my visa and insurance settled after I get there... Kinda exciting. Kinda scary.

I'm also working on applications for Border Servant Corps and Lutheran Volunteer Corps so that I can spend a little time back in the states before running off in the Peace Corps. I've discovered that it's possible to earn a Master's degree while in the Peace Corps as well. That's an exciting prospect. If only I knew what I wanted to study next...

I still haven't fully processed what I experienced in Tanzania. I'm feeling nostalgic about it and wanting to go back, and trying to make myself remember that it was also a difficult experience. I'm not the kind of person who takes orders easily, and although I have no doubt that I have found my calling in social justice (particularly as it pertains to international concerns), I wonder how I will deal with a lifetime of Bishops looking at me and telling me where my place is within a new social order.

I guess I still haven't said anything about working at camp, either. That was also a mixed experience. I'm grateful to have learned a lot from my co-workers about living in community with people unlike myself. I also met a lot of people who are much much better than any other college students I know at separating out people's beliefs and the words they say from their being. That sounds vague, I know, but I can't find any better way of saying it. At the same time, it was a difficult job, and I often felt unprepared, inadequate, and unappreciated. I keep asking myself if I'd do it again... I think that I'm glad that I did it, and if I were to go back in time, I wouldn't take back the decision to spend my summer at Agape, but I also know I will never go back to camp...

Well, that's all for now. Homework calls.

tanzania journal

sorry to lump this all together, but it was the easiest way to upload.

Tuesday 15 May, 2007

21:48

Dar Es Salaam

Well, we made it to Tanzania. The flights were long and hard. We left Clemson on Sunday after worship, Atlanta at 6:30 that night, and got to London early in the morning. The whole time we were traveling, I tried to keep up with the local time, so when we got through customs around 10 am and people wanted to go into town, I decided to go with them. I was tired as we rode the underground and had some trouble staying awake, but the city was exciting enough to keep me from being grouchy. It did rain on us the whole time and it was a little cold, but tolerable. We went to Piccadilly Circus, the Eye, Big Ben, Westminster Abbey, and Buckingham Palace, and I was a little disappointed. Everything was much smaller, drearier, and unimpressive than I imagined. Maybe the best part was this little pub we found (called Westminster Arms) with the best fish and chips I’ve ever had. I also got a Strongbow—cider, but not as sweet as Woodchuck. All that was really expensive, though. I spent £20 on that food and an all-day underground pass. Usually, that would be $40, but I’m sure the airport ATM screwed me on the exchange rate.

I slept most of the time on the flight from London to Dar (except when they were feeding us of course), but it doesn’t seem to have been good sleep. By the time we got to the hotel, all I wanted to do was take a nap. After breakfast (which was really good, maybe just because it was the first real plate I’ve seen since my house in Clemson) I came upstairs for about half an hour and lay down, but it still wasn’t enough. We went to Seacliff, a resort which, according to Hillary, primarily serves as a center for expatriates to hang out. There were some cute shops and we got to see the Indian Ocean, but it felt just like any other resort.

Fewer people here speak good English than I thought would. Lucas, our driver, thinks maybe 60% of the people in the city won’t speak it at all. I didn’t take the time to learn any Swahili because I thought it would be okay, but now I feel like a jerk. Some of the people here begin to speak Swahili to me and I just look at them with a blank look on my face. Jerk jerk jerk.

Anyway, when we got back from Seacliff I just crashed. Well, really, I crashed in the car on the way back. But I was kind of dozing every time I sat down all day. Regardless, I slept all afternoon and I’m still tired. We ate in the hotel (I think the city is relatively dangerous for tourists), and I had this beef ginger soup that blew my mind. It makes me want to use ginger in cooking more often. We thought at first it might’ve been a burger, and then just a plated homestyle steak or something, but soup was a pleasant surprise. I think if I could figure out how much to use (which may well be a real challenge), it would be worth trying to put ginger in a burger.

Hillary says more than half of the city lives in extreme poverty. That’s unbelievable to me. The exchange rate is 1,250/= to $1. My dinner was 10,000/=. She says people rarely tip.

I was afraid of getting sick, so I’ve been eating some boring food. Not that it’s helping—the Malarone is really doing a good one on me. Some people aren’t having problems with it, but a lot of us are nauseated and have headaches. I’m just trying not to talk because at this point I’m sure I’m a huge grouch.

Wednesday 16 May, 2007

21:13

Iringa

The drive wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I did end up sleeping most of the way. We went through Dar a little more to get to the highway, so I got to see it a little this time. The street vendors were insanely aggressive, walking up to the jeeps when we stopped and sometimes just asking for money. I still don’t know how to handle that situation.

I ended up in Karim’s jeep this time. He seems even less willing to fraternize with us than the other drivers, so it was a very quiet ride. I wanted to ask him questions, but I’m not even sure how good his English is.

The land is unbelievably beautiful. We drove through or past several mountain ranges that defied everything I thought I knew about mountains. We saw baobab trees, elephants, giraffes, and impala. So cool.

I also really enjoyed driving across the country and seeing people. A lot of places seemed fairly desolate (at the edge of Dar, the coffin vendors had more customers than the people selling furniture) but there is a silent hope in their faces that you don’t see in America’s poor. I wonder how much of that comes from knowing you aren’t a minority. The use of American/non-African culture amused me as well. For example, one of the busses had a Nelly decal on the back, I saw at least three “ROHALDINO” jerseys, and several LA Lakers hats.

Tomorrow we finish the drive to Magoye. Hoping for the best.

Swahili Vocabulary

Asante: thank you

Karibu: you’re welcome

Sana: [positive intensifier]

Poa: cool

Safi: great/fine [lit: clean]

Samahani: excuse me

Pole: sorry

Ndiyo: yes

Hapana: no

Friday 18 May, 2007

9:31

Matamba

I forgot to write about the factory we saw in Dar. The sign said “Tanzanian Chinese Friendship Textiles” or something like that. It was closed, of course. I don’t know the whole story behind that place, but it doesn’t bode well for the textiles development I’d like to see here.

The ride up here was really rough, but I didn’t get sick. YAY! I counted at least 56 switchbacks on the main climb, plus a lot more curves. I think we’re at about 7,000 feet. We ended up not staying in the same place as last year. Now we’re in the FEMA women’s center. We’re still not sure what goes on here except that the goal seems to be economic empowerment and mobilization, not protecting the women from anything. I am so down with it, though. They give all 30 or so women who are involved a little plot to garden on and the whole complex is protected by a nice brick fence. I think they’re also teaching them to sew because I saw them moving sewing machines out of one of the rooms. There’s also a kindergarten here, sponsored by the church. It’s more expensive than the secular kindergarten but their rules about payment are more flexible.

I peed in a hole yesterday. It smelled disgusting and it was slippery and hard not to fall or barf but I did it. Stepping outside our boundaries part one.

We got a flat tire on one of the jeeps even before we hit the bad roads. But we got to stop at a really awesome spot that looked like Idaho and take pictures. There were some purple/pink grasses that blew my mind. But for an unknown reason my ankle gave out as I walked across the street and I fell. I cut my hand and knee. I’m trying not to worry about it, but it’s red and a little swollen. I’ve just been putting a lot of hand sanitizer on it.

We’re going to meet a member of parliament today with the Bishop, which is kind of cool.

Swahili vocabulary

Jina lako nani?: What’s your name?

Jina langu ni….: My name is…

Baadaye: see you later.

Kwa heri: bye

Nafurani kukufahamu: pleased to meet you.

Subiri kidogo: just a minute

Sawa: sure

Natoka marekani: I’m from America.

Friday, 18 May 2007

22:48

Matamba

I got distracted earlier because I heard the kindergarten kids running around and I wanted to talk to the girl teaching them. Immediately when I got outside, these 5-year olds started yelling “Good morning, teacher! How are you?” IN ENGLISH!!! I was shocked and amazed. That was really all they could say and they didn’t recognize any response, but still…

Then I busted out the bubbles and the kids went nuts. There were probably 40 kids screaming “Namimi mwalimu!” (My turn, teacher!) everyone else caught on and we were all covered in bubbles and African kid spit by the end of the morning.

Swahili vocabulary

Mwalimu: teacher

Kaka: brother

Dada: sister

Ndugu: sibling/friend

Saturday 19 May, 2007

19:14

Matamba

We brought a bunch of shoes and they were all piled in our common room. We told the Bishop’s wife that the women were welcome to come take them, but no one was, and they were eyeing them from the breezeway, so yesterday we moved them out where it didn’t seem like we were guarding them. It wasn’t long before we heard them all talking and laughing, so I went out to take a picture for mom, since she was the one who started the shoe drive. When I asked them if I could take a picture, they all started singing and dancing. It was great. I think they all found at least one pair that fit, which is really impressive.

We also visited with the Bishop and a member of parliament about the school. They both seem intent to start that teacher’s college, even though we all think it’s a bad idea. I did enjoy touring the diocese office, however, especially because they’re running an HIV education program. I stayed and talked to the staff members for a while. They’re doing education in the schools from age 10. There’s free initial testing in Matamba, but you can’t get medicine without a C4 count, which is only available in Makete. Those drugs are free once your C4 counts are bad enough, and condoms are free at the clinic to anyone who tests positive. Sometimes people who aren’t positive can buy them, but they have the same problem we do with embarrassment working as a deterrent to preventative prophylactic purchase. Very few children, they say, are being born with the virus. I don’t know who’s responsible for that—better doctors or more empowered women. I got some of their educational materials but I haven’t had time to look through them yet. The claim almost everyone knows their status and total infection is almost 10% but I couldn’t get a new infection rate out of them.

We were playing with the kids later and there was a group of boys goofin’ off for me and Niki. Some older boys were eyeing us but we largely ignored them for a while. One tried to ask me something, but his English was bad and he got embarrassed and walked away. Later, another walked up (followed by a gaggle of fascinated boys) and introduced himself. He was probably 12. We exchanged a few niceties before he said “I need your services.” I was confused, but I thought he said “I am in povert” (they drop the ending y a lot). His friend said something, though, and Niki said “You’re a PERVERT?” and they all started laughing. We walked away pretty quickly. I’m still not sure though. The posturing suggested he WAS hitting on me, but I’m terrified this boy was asking me for help and all I said to him was “That’s a bad idea.” I mean, they ask us for money fairly constantly, though, and what can I do? I can’t save all of them.

There’s no hot water. I miss showering and shaving and pooping regularly. Tomorrow morning is church and I feel weird going smelly and in dirty sneakers.

I really want to talk to the women who hang out at the FEMA center, but the language barrier is enormous. There are to Germans, Anne and Katerina, that hang out here, too. Katerina teaches at the kindergarten here and she said I could work with her next week instead of going into the secondary school. I hope that if Stacey and I do that, I can ease into a conversation w/ them.

We walked around Magoye today. It was nice to get out and actually do something. We played street soccer with a bunch of kids and that was a lot of fun. But I can’t shake the feeling that there are a lot of people who don’t want us here.

The elevation is really getting to me up here. I’m dizzy and cranky and always sleepy. I took a very long nap and still didn’t feel like doing anything after tea. I’m just hoping it’s elevation sickness and not a real disease.

Monday 21 May, 2007

21:54

Matamba

Yesterday we went to worship. It took 2 ½ hours and the Bishop used us as his political pawns the whole time. There also wasn’t as much singing as Mom and Dad had made it sound like there would be. Mostly, it was people talking about the fact that we were there. At one point the mentioned the orphan houses, though, and I remembered another statistic I didn’t write down: there are a little over 100 people taking advantage of the diocese’s HIV resources, but 1,000 plus orphans of HIV.

Anne and Katerina had visitors this weekend—other Germans working in Matema on the coast of Lake Malawi. They were all really nice and I had a good time talking to them (p.s. they said the diocese’s stat on total infection rate is way off. It’s probably about 15%.) Best of all, maybe, they agreed to walk around town with us to help with Swahili. I felt more conspicuous with them and all the huddling Americans following them, but also a bit more confident. It was almost as if being seen with them relayed more clearly what we’re here fore. After tea, Stacey and I decided to try again helping the mamas in the kitchen. They let us this time and it was really fun. They were singing and dancing the whole time and trying to teach us Swahili and learn English themselves. The stove they cook on is woodburning and the whole room is hot, but it’s nearly unbearable trying to stand right next to it. They also had Amanda and I de-bone and gut a fish that still had a head and tail. It was hard not to freak out. only problem was, it was even harder to eat unfamiliar food when you help to cook it. (And now I wish I had written about this last night because I was much more excited about it immediately afterward.)

This morning, we “helped” in the kindergarten. While Katerina is teaching them English, it’s mostly done in Swahili, so we couldn’t do a whole lot, but I tried to help one girl who was having trouble writing. Stacey played with one of the younger siblings, drawing on a piece of scrap paper. We visited Itamba, too, in the afternoon—toured, had a presentation, and ate lunch. Of course, the Bishop showed up and had more of the same to say. I’m so sick of playing the politics game with him, but he won’t let us stay out of any of it. I will be sad to leave the FEMA center, but not Matamba/Magoye.

Wednesday 30 May, 2007

21:20

Arusha

The week in Matamba was really great, but really busy and eventful and somewhat overwhelming. I loved hanging out with the kids in the kindergarten and Katerina. We had a party on Tuesday and played a bunch of games and ate candy. Wednesday I didn’t get to go because I had to translate for PC at the Bishop’s office. Thursday I sat in on Luca’s class. He’s a wonderful teacher, but really suffering from a lack of materials. He also took us to visit Matamba Primary School, where there’s a special education class. It looked promising, but the headmaster is a little pushy. He wants us to do all kinds of things for him.

I miss the mamas. We ended up doing another gift ceremony for them and singing and I thought it was really nice. I know I didn’t get much of a chance to really talk to them, but I hope there was some kind of understanding between us. I gave Mama Bestina my cross from Dancing at the Crossroads. I tried to tell her it was because she’s always dancing, but I don’t know if she understood.

I hate Arusha. I hate cities. I hate being the rich demographic. I hate people begging me for money and telling me things are more expensive than they really are because I’m white. I also don’t really know what the crime situation is here, but I don’t feel that the police force is what it should be.

Niki got upset with us the other day because we can’t move around a city comfortably. I’m also a little sad that I can’t, but I can’t help I was kept away from them my whole life and taught to be afraid. I also hate that she gets so upset about it, but she does stupid things, forgetting that this IS a city (at least, I hope she doesn’t behave this way in NYC).

We did a game viewing at Lake Manyara and the Ngorongoro Crater. It was pretty cool, but not as cool as I had hoped. Mostly elephants at Manyara, Zebra at Ngorongoro. I’m glad to be able to say I’ve been there, though. And I also think the fact that I was motion sick the whole trip didn’t help my lack of awe.

Rebecca is really sick. We’re all hoping it’s not contagious. Niki won’t stop farting. It’s foul.

Saturday, 16 June 2007

15:48

Fuquay-Varina

I still haven’t settled a lot of the things that I experienced in Tanzania. I feel like in a lot of ways, the things I have to offer were shown to me there, but in a lot of ways I also felt dismissed. Because most of the group was counseling students, I felt like the fact that I am not formally trained in that way gave me a different view. I’m so used to being around people who do the same things I do, who think the same way I do, that it was strange to be put in a group I didn’t have a hand in designing. It’s also hard because I haven’t really re-entered the “real world” of American college life. In a lot of ways, the community at camp is more like what we saw in Matamba, and so I don’t feel shell shocked.

Unfortunately, I did get some kind of sickness there or on the way back. I thought I was just tired of being in a jeep and an airplane, but now that it’s been several weeks and I’m still sick I’m getting worried. I’ve been to several doctors and none of them have any answers. They just keep giving me antibiotics and telling me to drink more fluids.

I keep asking myself whether I’ll go back to Tanzania. I can’t answer that question, though, which worries me. I really enjoyed a lot of moments, but as a whole experience, I felt exhausted the whole time. I’ve been talking about pushing boundaries for so long, and hoping to spend time outside this country that I think I forgot how hard it really is to do that. I think that it’ll just depend on how and when the next opportunity comes up.

I don't have much time, but I wanted to let everyone know that we're doing fine, hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro today and heading home tomorrow.