back to my old tricks again...

i mean, really?

my new catchphrase seems to be, "sweet god, america... why?" with the occasional variation to speak to individual or groups of americans, "sweet god, americans... why?"

i think i'll say it again, since as i write this there's a girl standing in the parking lot across the street in nothing but her underpants, attempting to either make out with or beat up her apparent boyfriend. oh... it seems she's actually trying to do both. interesting.

let me know when you're sick of immigration.

let me know if you want to know more about people i can see from my window.

just kiddin'...

i do have more news.
1. i'm training for a 5k and blogging about trying to be healthy with my friends virginia and becky over at http://vbkweightlossjourney.blogspot.com/
2. last night, we went bowling for mary meghan's birthday. i suck at bowling. however, we only had an hour and we kept having to wait like 6 years for the pins to get reset and we were getting frustrated b/c they were going to kick us out at the end of our hour, whether we had 8 frames left or only 2 bowls. the people in the other lane didn't take nearly as long to come up with wierd names to put in for themselves as we did, so they were done in time, but my lane was nervous we'd not get to see our final scores. luckily for me, just as the "1 minute" warning popped up, it was my turn. i stood and waited for the pins for approximiately 48 seconds. no lie. then, with everyone watching, i bowled the last possible time before some teenagers who can apparently spend $10 for one hour of bowling were going to take the place over, and i got a strike.

best. day. ever.

unfortunately, the computer had already kicked us off and it didn't count on my score. but whatever.

news...

i am a bad blogger.

but in my defense, there has been a lot of stuff going on. and sometimes you need to just be present, and not always thinking about how to write about it on your blog later. that might be my biggest frustration with growing up in this generation. since when is it better to type words to someone halfway across the world than to talk to someone in front of you (not that i don't love those of you who are halfway across the world and wish i could talk to you more. just that sometimes, we should cherish what we have right in front of us first).

i last wrote here, essentially, just before the election. i won't pretend that posting links and short sentences counts as writing. now we have a new president. a new and awesome president. the only thing i guess i can say on a personal level on the topic is that we had an inauguration party in el paso and wore ridiculous dresses. here's alissa from the el paso house (left) and four of my roommates. love.

of course even though dad gave me a camera to use out here i'm still living like i don't have one, so i'll steal everyone's pictures soon and put them on flickr... hopefully for real this time.

i last wrote about my job and the program that i'm in september. yikes. in my defense, i didn't have a whole lot to say about work. i had a really hard time at habitat in the fall. the affiliate here is going through some major changes, and i got here just in time to be stuck in the middle of it. they really needed a lot more from me than i was able to commit to, considering the commitments i had made to my community and, well, honestly, when you're not really being paid all that much it's hard to feel excited about working more than 50 hours a week. and some weeks, i was working 50 hours and not getting everything done. it was making me really sad and frustrated all the time, and it had a really negative impact on my community life. i decided that for my own sanity, and for the sake of my community, and for the sake of the relationship between border servant corps and habitat, i needed to leave.
in january, i started work at jardin de los niños, a day care for homeless and near-homeless kids. i work primarily in the 2-year-old room, although i can "float" to other classrooms if i need to, and we don't have too many 2-year-olds (we have to keep teacher/student ratios at 1/4 in that age). i'm really enjoying the new job, but of course it's not without its drawbacks. these kids are exposed, at a very early age, to a lot of difficult situations--in many cases the least of which is their homelessness (not that the poverty their families experience doesn't play a major role in making those difficulties a part of their lives). in the end, the organization is structured well, my boss is understanding and supportive, and i go home every day thinking that i did something that was good, even if it was "just" giving a kid a hug.

hmm. what else has been going on?

have you ever heard of white sands national monument? it's amazing. it's one of my favorite places on earth.

as you can see, the first time i went there i was really excited.

we've been back a couple times since then. it's only a little more than half an hour drive from las cruces, and it's just a whole bunch of gypsum sand dunes. it's fun to go sledding, or build a sand man (kinda like a snow man, but built into the side of a sand dune), or do danger rolls...

they're dangerous.

again, more pictures on flickr soon...

in the same vein, we went to the city of rocks on friday for community day. it was pretty cool, but it mostly made me want to go back to chaco canyon. i was sad we didn't get to spend so much time there, but we had some delays with leaving las cruces in the morning, and then we didn't really prepare for cooking the black bean burgers we had brought for lunch, and we ended up eating them at about 4:30, hung out for a little bit, and then cleaned up quickly so we could go hike before the sun went down. we emptied out of the van just in time to run around and find a good perching spot for watching the sunset.hmm. i feel like that's the most exciting news i've got right now. hopefully it won't be another four months before i write again...

i'm a bit of a nail biter, i suppose.

i have to confess: i'm nervous about tonight. it's no surprise to any of you who know me or have even so much as glanced at this blog which candidate i'm supporting, so i won't bother beating around the bush about it. i never thought i would witness this moment.when i was in first grade, i remember voting for clinton (let's be honest. elementary school students vote for whomever their parents are talking about most favorably. we're not that well informed. however, if i'd been 18 at the time, i totally would've voted for him in a real election, too.) in a mock election at school. the concept fascinated me: everyone should have a say in how things are run. i remember thinking, however briefly, that i would like to be the first woman president. i never thought i would see the day. even so young, i had the feeling we would always have rich white men running the country (thanks for making me a dirty hippie so young, mom and dad!)

i remember the first time i actually got to vote, and how isolated and betrayed i felt when watching two presidential "elections" go so horribly wrong (which i intend to be more of a statement on the process, not the outcome. while i detest the 43rd president of the united states, i fully support the basic right of the nation to choose its leader).i was in germany when the democratic candidate was selected, and i was convinced there was no way a black man could win the presidency. i was certain all was lost--without hillary, how could we avoid another republican candidate?

and yet...i'm hopeful. i hope we have moved past the 1950s. i hope we have moved past selfishness. i hope we have moved past apathy. it terrifies me that at the end of this day the country of my birth will be sending a major message to the world, and i'm not confident yet of what that message will be. will we refuse to continue to be paralyzed by fear and hate? or will we say, no, thank you, but we won't take more of what we've seen in the last eight years, we'd like something new? i wish i could say all of this in non-partisan language. i wish i didn't constantly feel like i'm toeing the party line. my dad jokes that he raised us to think for ourselves, as long as those thoughts ended in us voting a straight party ticket. but the more i see of this world, the more i simply can't support the kinds of government the republican party now stands for. i can't support big business at the expense of the majority of the american public. if we really ignore all the campaign promises and the attack ads and get down to the root of it, that's what they stand for. that's how they behave. i believe in standing up for what's right, not what stands to make me the most profit.

i want my president to recognize those who are disenfranchized,

those who are in need,

to forge ahead into uncharted territory,

and to frankly address our shortcomings while remembering our strengths.

i got this email today from a member of the quaker community in columbia. mostly i started this post with the desire to share these words:

This message is from Peter Storey, former Methodist Bishop of Johannesburg. He was also the chaplain at Robben Island Prison during the time Nelson Mandela was a prisoner. A good friend of mine’s father did a pulpit exchange with Peter years ago and they have remained friends. I met him many years ago when he came to South Carolina for a conference on race relations. Thought you would enjoy. --Julia

Subject: Our Prayers are with you all for tomorrow

Dear Friends in the United States,

Warmest greetings to you on this momentous evening. You have been much
in our minds and on our hearts over these past few months as we have
avidly followed the progress of your Presidential election campaign. As
we've said before, what happens in your election profoundly affects us
all.

And what a campaign! I recall a dinner table conversation in Atlanta way
back in May, 2007, in the home of good friends Jim and Fentress Waits.
Those around the table were talking with a deep sense of interest and
hope about an exciting young Senator named Barack Obama. Back then, the
possibility of Obama's even gaining the nomination of his own party
appeared so remote that it seemed more the stuff of dreams than reality.

Yet here you are, on the eve of an even more 'impossible' breakthrough
tomorrow! Think of it: the nation whose original sin was to to buy and
sell Africans like chattels, that legislated them less than human, could
well elect an African-American tomorrow to be its First Citizen! I
wonder if the people of the USA have fully realized what a liberating
moment this could be? For African Americans, who hold their breath, not
yet quite believing what might be possible tomorrow, this may be a step
beyond even what Martin Luther King Jr saw from the mountain-top, but it
is also more than that: it will be a day of liberation for all
Americans: whether deeply conscious, as so many thoughtful people are,
of this great burden of historic guilt, or defiantly denialist as too
many on the shrill right wing remain. All - the good, the bad and the
ugly - will take a giant step toward liberation from one of US
history's most burdensome shackles.

I say this because that is the experience we discovered the day Nelson
Mandela took the oath of office as the first black President of South
Africa. Millions of his exploited compatriots danced with obvious joy at
their new freedom, but less expected and perhaps more amazing was the
sense of liberation that came upon their erstwhile oppressors. White
South Africans testified in large numbers to a new lightness of being,
as if some invisible, dragging weight, was gone, and something new could
be born.

Now I know that the USA is not South Africa, and your story is not
identical with ours, but there are enough echoes for me to assure you
that if the voters of America break this barrier tomorrow, you will
experience what I'm talking about!

Of course, like so many of you, we are anxious as well as excited.
Having seen how deep are the currents of fear and prejudice that still
run across the length and breadth of the United States, we too hold our
breath. Be assured that the hopes of the vast majority of the people of
the wider world go with Senator Barack Obama. There is no question about
this. I doubt that even 5 percent of South Africans of any race group
have any desire to see anyone of George W Bush's party near the White
House. However, we have seen how easily US elections can be stolen and
we are praying, as so many of you are, that tomorrow, the American
people will march to the polls in greater numbers than ever before,
determined to expunge eight of the most shameful years in US history.
President Bush has brought America's reputation so low, that from our
point of view, another such blow from the US electorate would be almost
impossible to understand. Eight years of arrogance and ignorance hav
been done deep harm in the rest of the world and to the image of a great
nation. Surely they will be declared as enough by the people of the US?

But let us be hopeful! Just as tomorrow offers the opportunity for a
great sense of historic liberation in the US, so it also offers a chance
to radically alter the world's current perception of America, and to
open the door to new possibilities of healing and transformation for US
foreign relations. If Obama is announced as your President-elect, there
will be great rejoicing all around the globe. We will see new hope of
the might of the United States being bent to works of justice and
compassion and cooperation. We will see new possibilities for the poor
of the earth: for the first time, Americans will have elected someone
who knows what it is like to be on the outside as well as in the circle,
who has actually worked among the poor, who has lived , however briefly,
outside the American bubble, and who has the blood of the world's most
oppressed continent in his veins. Everyone of these factors speak of
change.

You will recall that the day following September 11, 2001, France's most
famous newspaper ran the headline: 'Today, we are all Americans!' Well,
please know that around the world there are so many people whose hopes
ride on what you will do tomorrow, that I guess we wish we were all
Americans! What a privilege it will be to vote in this election!

Our prayers are with you.

Warm regards,
Peter Storey

...yep.

overcompensating.com

bleed, baby, bleed.

thanks, heart. i knew you hadn't abandoned me.

friday was our first community day. if i haven't explained this before, what that means is that i get a day off work to hang out with my five roommates and the ladies that live in el paso, either just to chill and be together, but more likely to learn about something relating to our positions, or just being on the border. this month we decided to go to the national border patrol museum in el paso.

although the museum itself isn't funded by or related to the gov't at all, they seem to have a good relationship to this branch of homeland security. two officers gave us a presentation on what the border patrol does, what their goals are, and how to become a border patrol member (turns out, this is pretty rigorous. widely considered the toughest law enforcement/paramilitary station).

[for the record, i spent much of friday saying, "i just don't understand how you can think that!?!" which is unfair. i will attempt not to say that here, or anywhere else in the future. your opinions are your own. i struggle to reconcile many conservative policies with my own morals, but it is my struggle and not yours.]

at the start of the presentation, the officer asked, "who's here to pick a fight?"

becca pointed at me.

at first i was mad, but i guess i can't blame her. that's kind of been my role thusfar in the bsc. to get outraged. to rant. to cry over the women who can't get vawa visas b/c they haven't actually married their abusive partners.

and, i did want to pick a fight w/ him. i want to pick a fight with the world. not b/c he was a bad guy. to the contrary, he seemed really nice. he seemed like he cared about his job in a human way. he claimed he was more concerned about keeping people safe than "keeping the mexicans out" and i wanted to believe him, even if i wasn't completely sold. maybe he just needed a good job, and that one offered $60G a year and health benefits (no, that's not a typo). maybe he really believes this is what it will take to keep america safe.

i do want a safe america. for all my revolutionary tendencies and che-fangirl giggles, safety is very important to me. i wish i could travel and not wonder if it would be better to pretend to be canadian in this airport. i wish i could put a flag on my lapel in good consciousness. but when a man stands in front of me with an american flag on his shoulder and a gun at his hip and says he's being proactive about the things that threaten this country, i wonder if he ever thought about what happened before 9/11. it pains me to be a part of a country so proud and so certain that it doesn't pause to wonder why people might want to blow up a piece of us. we are a country so holier-than-thou that it takes 3,000 dead civilians for even some of the most open-minded and considerate pieces of the population to consider the way people worldwide might consider us.

i am trying, perhaps too hard, to be calm in this post. i am angry. i am terrified. i am indignant. but i cannot fix the world. and that makes me the saddest of all.

EDIT: ps. wtf, economy?

aww craps

this morning for breakfast, i ate the last of the blueberries i picked this summer in aunt carolyn's yard. they were delicious, but now they are gone.