Update on La Estación

Firstly, I wanted to thank all of you for the many messages of support and concern I got since I last wrote. It means more than words can say to know that you are all thinking of me and my community of service.
I wanted to share that the young woman I wrote about in my last post has been found, dead, in a different part of town. While it's horrible that she was taken from this community, the general feeling is of relief that at least now her body can be at peace, and we can rest in the knowledge of knowing where she is. There have been additional deaths, but Andrea, Fresvinda, and I are agreed that while we're not ready to change my work schedule back, there's still no reason to think I need to be removed from the place entirely.
I had a good conversation with Andrea yesterday in which I was finally able to voice my confusion, indeed my frustration, about my work placement (stick with me here--this is good news). I had hoped I wouldn't have to teach English this year. I had hoped I would be able to work more hands-on in women's issues. I had hoped.... for so much. It's impossible not to romanticize something that doesn't exist yet. I think it's only natural that upon arrival for a year of who-knows-what, we start to think "What am I DOING here?!"

Andrew, serving in YAGM South Africa, wrote this fantastic reflection on family and culture shock. I can't help but laugh as I think about my la estación family. Were it my choice, would this be the place I would have come? Would this be the work I would have sought? To be honest, probably not; I would have been too afraid, too unsure of myself, too self-righteous (more on my campaign to change the culture of language learning in a post soon to come).
We don't choose our families. When I thought such things were possible just by wishing, I would wish I had a big brother instead of two younger ones. I wanted cousins who came to visit me more frequently. I wanted more permissive grandparents. I wanted a mother who wasn't ill. But if I had had that family, would I still be me? Would I be here, now, in this far-away living room that smells of bike chain grease, frijoles and chiles rellenos? Would I have the blessings of knowing how to care for people, and posses immeasurable personal strength at the same time? Would I have discovered how beautifully and painfully fiction can express truth? I can't imagine my life without the family I had, and I am so grateful to them for supporting me, for shaping me into who I am. I love you.
Likewise, the ways in which I have been able to connect with the community of la estción under these circumstances has only reinforced my conviction that despite the difficulties and frustrations, I couldn't have come anywhere else. There is something very important for me to be doing, learning, seeing here. I am practicing letting this familia shape me into who I will be.